I’m pregnant and having a problem with my mother wanting to be at the birth…?

We have a pretty strange relationship as she’s an alcoholic and I had a bad childhood because of her. Since growing up and entering adulthood our relationship is slightly better but still strained. A few weeks back we visited her (my partner and I) and my partner came out and said that she might be able to be at the birth of our baby (due in about 8 weeks) but I had no idea he was going to ask and really don’t want her there. I spoke with him afterwards and he said that he thought it may help our relationship if she was there but now I don’t know what to do as she still drinks and winds me up. What should I do? I don’t want to hurt her feelings but at the same time I really don’t want her at the birth.

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16 Responses to “I’m pregnant and having a problem with my mother wanting to be at the birth…?”

  1. Buddha said:

    I certainly wasn’t at the birth of my daughter’s children and we have a good relationship. I find it unnatural and believe the birth to be a private moment between the parents of the baby. There was no way my mother would have been invited to witness the birth of my children. Stand your ground and don’t let anyone spoil your special day. If your partner invited her, then he should uninvite her.

  2. mommy of twin girls said:

    If you don’t want her there than don’t. Just tell her that you want it to be between you and your partner. You are not going to want the added stress she may bring. You are also not going to want to bring your little one into the world under stressful circumstances. If you don’t want to hurt her feelings, you could always tell her that your doctor says no to additional people in the room.

  3. Preetha said:

    my dear friend, i dont want you to worry at this time, as you are pregnant.. you can very well handle the issue by saying in this generation, the husband is supposed to be at the hospital to take care of the wife and this is being insisted by the doctors. so this will be a good reason for you to indirectly inform your mom that she is not required at the hospital, on the other hand she can be at home, to take care of your house in your absence.
    all the best!!!!!

  4. Invisible Pink ~ RN said:

    You tell her that this baby was created during a private moment between you and your husband and that the two of you want the birth to also be a private moment between the two of you –

    The other thing you can do is NOT call her while in labor – if she should find out you’re in labor leave specific instructions with the nursing staff that no one other than your husband is allowed in your L&D room

    Period –

  5. Pregnantwiv#2 said:

    It is your body, it is your birth you have to be clear with this and tell her you only want who you want at the birth but she is welcome to wait in the waiting room or outside until the baby is born

  6. *Nikki* said:

    i think giving birth is a private moment between the two people who made the child….
    if she lives quite far away from you, then just dont tell her when you go into labor, then call her afterwards and say it all happened to fast.
    or just be honest with her

  7. Isha said:

    its a chance for you to get together and let go of old things. i would suggest, let her be there.

  8. maziemoo02 said:

    You’ve answered your own question you don’t want her there and that’s fine. You can either tell her you’ve had a change of heart and have now decided you only want your partner there. Or you can just hope that the baby arrives fast and you haven’t got time to tell her you’ve gone into labour or purposely not tell her till its to late for her to get there. Good luck with everything

  9. Mama Bee said:

    The labour room is not the place to be repairing relationships, be straight with her because if you’re not she will be there.

  10. Sure, Sure said:

    You should let her be there. She probably feels terrible about what she did to cause your childhood, to be that way. But you have to put your feet in her shoes. And just know that your baby will have a better childhood, than you had. Suck it up. She’s your mother weather you want her to be or not. She’s already invited so deal with it. Maybe your relationship will get better after that?? You never really know.

  11. Shawnee said:

    You asked the question.. so it seems to me your mind is not entirely made up… you don’t want an alcoholic mother at the birth of your child, but maybe a small part of you does want a loving mother there?
    Giving birth is a really special moment and, an alcoholic mother there, absolutely not!
    But, a loving sober mother, yes!
    Your partner obviously knows you both and thinks it would be a good idea, as long as mum is sober I think it is too. She will bond more with you and will bond with the baby… and what better reason is there for her giving up bad habits than a new baby to love?
    Babies are part of the family, they don’t ‘belong’ to the parents exclusively and in time, if all goes well, your child will love his/her grandmother and bring joy to you all.
    Whatever you decide, Good Luck and I hope the birth goes well and you have a beautiful baby.

  12. Emily Smith said:

    It was absolutely out of order for your partner to speak for you like that, probably knowing your feelings about your mother. If i’d have been in your situation i’d have gone absolutely mad at him.
    However, what’s done is done, and this is your pregnancy and your baby and your absolute right to choose who’s at the birth – what you should do now is to give your partner a swift ticking off and let him know that it is YOURS and only YOUR choice who is and who isn’t at the birth and it is not his decision to make. Then, go to see your mum in person and tell her that your partner had asked her that without your awareness and you aren’t sure that you want her there, explain the reasons why as diplomatically as you can but ultimately, don’t have this woman there if
    #1 she doesn’t deserve to be
    #2 you aren’t comfortable with her

  13. Zoz said:

    When you go into labour, just don’t call her. After the event you can say it all happened so quickly you barely remembered your hospital bag let alone to go calling around family memebers

  14. busybee27 said:

    wow your guy has foot in mouth syndrome like mine 🙂 just tell him if a light bulb pings over the top of his head in the future to run it by you first.
    yours and your partners day (but predominately yours seeing as he ain’t going to be pushing much)
    The last thing you want is other people flapping around/getting involved/upsetting you etc.
    No damage is done, if it comes up again just say that dependant on how long you are in the maternity ward after the event she can come visit, however for the birth you want the minimal fuss/disruption etc.

    When I had our last son it was lovely as we had a while to cuddle and snuggle up to the baby after birth then I popped for a shower and my husband got to do a little bonding

  15. Mum2B: Jamie due 02/10/10 said:

    You could tell her that you need your partner there but noone else cuz there will be too many in the room.

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